Taking the Stand: Man Speedos

Let’s start by reviewing the case: When God invented Speedos, he created them to display the perfect male form. He spread them throughout Europe, South America, gay beaches, and Olympic swimming pools because after all that’s where most of the hot male action is. (Refer to Exhibit A)

There have always been those famous faces, who think they are God’s gift to the earth, and for whatever reason feel they too deserve to wear less out on the sand.  Jerry O’Connell, for instance, but he was a chunky lad so we get it. Hugh Jackman. He earned his right to wear a Speedo when People gave him the title of “Sexiest Man Alive.” Plus he’s Australian, which is practically* the same as European. And since David Beckham sleeps with what’s-her-face Posh Spice he can wear anything he wants to the beach or on his yacht. (Refer to Exhibit B)

But just like the sin that got Eve kicked out of the Garden of Eden. It appears there is blasphemy at the beach. God is no doubt angry.  The Pretty Committee should be too. (Refer to Exhibit C)

Evidence:

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

Exhibit C

Speedos for Jesus?

So members of The Pretty Committee, are Speedos in or just a blasphemous summer sin?

Left-Tie: There is no penance for this sin. It’s a shame because on the right body a Speedo is like Hallelujah! But as the evidence shows on the wrong body it’s the work of the devil.

Trendspotter: If the statue of David in Florence somehow came to life today and began heading to the beach for a perfect even tan, even HE should NOT wear a Speedo. If a straight guy is trying to make himself more attractive, this is NOT the way. Back up and make a U-turn cause you’re headed in the wrong direction. Isn’t there a saying like, “A few bad apples can spoil the bunch?” This bunch needs to be thrown out caused it’s been spoiled rotten.

Lady Lex: Speedos should only be sold to fit gay men and competitive swimmers. If you’re not a part of these two populations, you have no businesses wearing a Speedo. Even athletes must be careful, Speedos in the off-season warrant a citation. That being said, there is something alluring about a male swimmer (pro) who keeps a towel wrapped around his lower half until right before he dives in. Then, and only then, it does kind of feel like a treat.

Jess: No matter what kind of shape you’re in, Speedos are a big fat “NO” in my book… Sorry Beckham, you look oh so hot, but I like my men manly in some trunks that at least hit their knees!

Daph: There should be some sort of a test men have to pass to wear a Speedo, like how much they bench… And an age cutoff. And no dads, (no matter what age)  for the sake of your children, do not wear a Speedo. Fatties and dads, no thank you, go home, you’re ruining the beach! Very few can pull off this look but those who do are Mmmm delicious!

Ashley: If you are Brazilian and hot, go ahead and rock the Speedo. If you find you don’t fit into both of those categories, step away from the spandex and find your way to a nice pair of board shorts.

Posh Hippie: Maybe all the other Speedo-style trunk wearers got a hold of Michael Phelp’s bong before they got dressed. My guy has a gorgeous form, but I prefer his upper thighs to be pasty white if it means I never have to been seen with him wearing one of these atrocities. No. No. And, um, No.

Verdict: While we hate to make generalizations here at INPT, we’re going to. While the court has presented a few examples that make us question our gut instincts, the evidence against the Speedo is just too damaging.

XOXO,

The Gals and Guy of INPT