We interrupt this otherwise cheerful holiday season with the Tiger Woods sex scandal. Our squeaky-clean golf hero has fallen. He has been falling for a while, and his irons keep landing in holes where they don’t belong. Depending on how much his wife loves him, and/ or how treatable she thinks he is, Tiger’s life won’t be the same for a long time.

We like to focus on pretty things around here. Serial cheating makes the world an uglier place for all of us, so we want to help. I would rather still be talking about Kanye West busting up Taylor Swift’s VMA speech, but alas it’s Tiger in the celebrity hot spot right now. So we thought we’d offer some gift ideas for Tiger, or for any cheater in your life for that matter.

First, you must stop cheating. Here’s a self-help book to get started. Judging by the sheer skank-factor of some of Tiger’s lays, I would have to surmise he is a sex addict. Otherwise, wouldn’t he have the patience to find some better-looking dates?

While he is working through the emotional baggage that led to all that unwarranted shagging, we think he could use one of these male chastity belts. These look comfortable enough, and he can still pee while wearing it. Of course, if Elin divorces Tiger, the question remains, Who will hold the key? (Posh Hippie says “not it!”)

He will need a new hobby. A lot of guys take up golf for stress relief. We don’t think that will work in this case, but we think he would really enjoy horseback riding. Like golf, this is an activity many white people enjoy. It seems, based on the women he likes, that the Cablinasian is determined to get in touch with his white side. Granted, in the old West there were plenty of black cowboys, but horseback riding and its lore is pretty much dominated by white people. Horseback riding is also a perfect new hobby for him because he would never feel like the area between his legs was being neglected and he would start to heal. We think his friends should buy him lessons.

A nice vacation always helps the spirit. Here are a number of retreats for men. Maybe he could pretend to join a priesthood just to get the celibacy training.

Tiger will need some new taste in music. The mostly-awful ’90s rock band Hootie & the Blowfish played his wedding in 2004. Apparently el Tigre didn’t heed the warning in the lyrics to “Running from an Angel.”: “Your lying and cheating really tore us apart/ Please don’t come home if you’re gonna break my momma’s heart.” Well nice going Tiger. You broke two mothers’ hearts. He must have also had his head stuck in some bridesman bossom at the wedding when Hootie wailed “I Only Wanna be With You.” May we suggest some new tunage to get him in more of a “respect-for-women” frame of mind? How about starting with compilations from the Lilith Fair? These women often sing about the impact of being abused, so maybe if Tiger could see through different eyes, he would start to have epiphanies in his own life.

If all of his other reform efforts fail, one of his rich friends could shop around on this armored car site and buy him something that can withstand the attack of an angered female.

And to Tiger, we say good luck. Just like that saying goes, “Golf is a game of luck, the more you play the luckier you get,” relationships take consistent practice. Your approach so far would be akin to going up to the tee and hitting the ball in the opposite direction from the hole. That gives us an idea, maybe your new mantra should be “the opposite direction from the hole.”

Happy Chistmakkah!

Filed Under: Uncategorized, What's Hot

Tags: In General, Not Pretty