Like any coffee-consuming citizen without a raging prejudice against Starbucks, when the company announced its ready brew coffee called VIA, I had to try it. After three packets of the Italian Roast, I am not sold.

First, I don’t trust any coffee I can make with toilet water. VIA boasts it can be made with cold or hot water. It just dissolves in the cup like some creepy Harry Potter potion. I never tried it cold, but using the ultra hot water from the special third spigot in the break room at work, the first thing that startled me about VIA was its lack of aroma. If you got close, you could smell it, but no enticing waves of heated goodness rose from my mug to signal my brain was about to be flipped awake.

Then I noticed its weird molasses-like color. It looks like brewed coffee left on the burner through two seasons of “Desperate Housewives” on DVD. This must be what they refer to in promotional materials as being “full-bodied.” Right, and Oprah’s big boned. This coffee is muck. (I used a 12 oz mug. I guess I never tried with anything larger to dilute it more.)

When I tasted it I was not disgusted, but no positive adjectives entered my brain either. I have certainly had worse brewed coffee. For the six months I lived in Mexico, all they served was instant coffee. I remember that more fondly than my experience with VIA though, to be fair, it probably tasted worse. The thing that made those instant coffee experiences great was how restaurant workers would present instant coffee like it was the bee’s knees — with a little saucer, a pretty cup usually involving some deep blue glaze and all the fixings. During that time, coffee with mucho crema and azucar was the order of the day and I almost always enjoyed it with friends. But in Mexico consuming instant coffee was out of necessity and still social.

Here’s what VIA’s promo materials claim:

“It’s pretty revolutionary, when you think about it. With Starbucks VIA™, great coffee can be yours anytime, anywhere. A life-altering concept, with tasty consequences, to be sure. But with endless possibilities for enjoyment, where does one begin?”

Here, especially in the great Northwest (where Starbucks is headquartered), no such necessity exists. I will not be convinced that there was a gap in my life that only instant coffee can fill. Starbucks, I love you. Despite being half hippie, I am not mad at you for being wildly successful as a model of capitalism. Not only do you employ a really cute guy whom I dated during my first newspaper internship, you make the most consistent, delish coffee drinks. Buckys, I admire your attempt to find a new growth market, but this is not the answer. At least I won’t be putting more money in that particular well.

VIA doesn’t enhance my life at all and I don’t see how it could. Sure, I could have coffee on some mountain top — but if you have to haul the hot water up there to make instant coffee you can darn well brew coffee before the hike and take it with you. It seems to me just about all scenarios in which hot water is available, so is the capacity to brew real coffee.

Camping? Well making the food and drink with primitive methods is half the fun when you are out in the woods with nothing else to do. I can just see the marketing-prone camper tell her friends, “Don’t worry, I’ve got VIA! All we have to do is add water and it’s done.” The friends drink the brew and look up at their friend wondering what they are going to do with the rest of the day out in the middle of no where.

I love the little packages, though at about $1 per packet, it is way overpriced. The packages are cute and slim and slip right into your purse or pocket. But if you are that hard up for a caffeine high when you are on the go, maybe you should skip the coffee and go straight to meth. Come to think about it, the coffee high I got from VIA was a jittery, unpleasant one that reminded me of being on speed. (Not that I do speed.) The first two times I tried VIA I got minor stomach aches that I was willing to attribute to other things, but all three time the buzz was a little too centralized around my heart to feel good. It was like liquid stress.

Sure, VIA might be the best instant coffee on the market. So what? Who needs instant coffee? What’s next? Sears will come out with the best self-inflating tires? Actually, that would be kind of useful. A better analogy? Oh, I’ve got it! Trader Joe’s will come out with powdered margarita mix — just add water and tequila. Gross.

Starbucks, I love the fact you try to innovate, but you cannot convince me VIA is something I need, and it’s not tasty enough to want it.

-Posh Hippie